Dear Maddison,
If you are reading this, then I am dead.
This is an email- a short passage- to show my appreciation and admiration for all you are and all you have been to me.
I know I’m not, and never was, the most attentive husband, I know I wasn’t always there for you, but I can tell you now, without a doubt in my mind, that I always cared deeply for you, more so than anyone else. You were my world and have been since the moment we met.
I think now of all the little things that you do that make me love you- simple things- the way you smile when I return home from work, the way your eyes glimmer whenever we see a production, the way you tie up your hair as you cook. The most trivial things are the ones that stay with me, maybe it is because I like to think if I remember the trivial, the rest will come easily to me, that way I can picture you exactly as you are. I want you to know that I love all of those little things about you, I always have, and I always will.
Do you remember our holiday to Greece, back in 92?
If I were to choose one memory to take with me on the journey to the other side, it would be that one.
The hotel was terrible, the food not much better, but it didn’t matter, because we had each other, and we sat on the beach watching the sun set and talking about things that didn’t even matter, until it was cold and dark and I had to hold you close to warm you with my embrace.
If there is a heaven… that would be it.
There is a chance- no- more than a chance-
A Likelihood that your perception of me in the coming weeks will be flawed. I plead with you not to think badly of me if such events occur, I know I could have done more, I know I should have been there for you when you needed me most, there is nothing I can say that will justify my many faults, I just hope that my persistent, passionate, undying love for you redeems them to some degree.
I will miss you when I am gone, my love.
I shall miss your compassion, your kindness and gentle nature. You are the most caring individual I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, let alone loving, and it has been my delight to share my life with you. Goodbye, Maddison
My love remains with you,
Forever and always. X
Dear Andrew.
If you are reading this, I am dead.
This is an email- a short passage- to say some of the things I never said to you whilst I was living.
I love you.
That was something I said… but never said enough. One of my biggest regrets is not treating every day with you as precious, and not telling you how much you meant to me on each of those days. If I could relive our time together, I would be sure to say ‘I love you’ every morning as the sun rose, and every evening as it set.
Another thing I wish I could take back are the fights we always had, the majority of them caused by me.
It is a terrible thing to admit, and it makes me hate myself even to type... but I was ashamed.
You could see that whilst I loved you with all my heart, I was never comfortable, I was never settled. It’s funny… but lying here now, I know that should I be granted the privilege of life I would never spend another day living in shame. I would walk through the streets, hand in hand, even shouting our love from the rooftops. You may not believe me, that’s understandable, I wouldn’t believe me either.
The day we got married was the happiest day of my life, and despite what has been previously said, that day I felt no shame. It was disbelief I felt more than anything; disbelief that someone such as yourself would ever consent to marrying someone such as me.
You have an attitude with which you approach life that I could only ever dream of. You are the living definition of Carpe Diem. Every day is a blessing to you, and you treat it as such, doing anything and everything you can to entertain yourself and others. You introduced me to a whole new world of thrills, and I am forever thankful, you are solely to blame for bringing me out of my shell. You are by every definition, the better half of me, the side that thrives in this world, instead of hiding from it.
Our first meeting in Athens, back in 92, was surely divine intervention. You may hear things of me in the weeks following my death- rumours. I implore you not to listen, and simply to think of the time we shared and what it meant to us both. It is for both our sakes, so I can rest in peace, and you can continue to live knowing without a doubt that you were my one true love.
I’m sorry if I ever hurt you- no- I know I did, and I am sorry.
You deserved a love greater than I could give.
Goodbye, Andrew
My love. X
Dear Samantha
If you are reading this, then I am dead.
This is an email- a short passage- to tell you what is on my mind as the end draws near.
You were always the one who listened, and I the one who talked, constantly, endlessly, and you never said a word. You never complained, you never seemed dissatisfied, and I was selfish.
If I could go back now, I would shut my mouth, and allow you to open up for a change. I would listen attentively to your every word and console or support you, whichever was required at the time. Of course, it is too little much too late now, but I wanted you to know that I do think of you, even if I never seemed to show it.
The reason I made you listen is because I loved you, and I love you because you listened. Without you, I would surely have been driven mad many, many years ago. You always brought me back down to earth, you are the anchor that grounds me, and I am forever grateful to you for that.
You were the perfect wife, and I the neglectful husband.
You cared for me when I was ill, you listened to me when I was in need of someone to confide in, you were always my shoulder to cry on, and I am eternally grateful for that.
You were always ambitious however, and I wasn’t always supportive of your prospects. I want to apologise for that now, because as death looms ever closer I realise all I want is happiness for my loved ones, and you deserve the utmost happiness.
When I am gone, I want you to pursue your dreams, the way you never could whilst I was still your husband.
You have been my rock for far too long, I was selfish to always lean on you, and you should now have the opportunity to have the life you always dreamed of.
You will recall the time I was called away to Greece back in 92? Every waking moment of my time spent in that gorgeous country was spent thinking of you, my mind constantly returning to my love waiting back at home.
I fear I am going to be leaving this world very soon.
The end scares me Samantha.
I fear the dark void of death- I fear going into that darkness alone, without a soul to hold on to. I’ve never been a particularly brave man- you know that- so you can imagine better than any other what effect this is having upon me.
Although I always confided in you, you must know that there are some things I kept even from you, Samantha. You may begin to hear rumours once I am gone. You were never one to listen to such things, so I trust you will not indulge them, but if you should, please- I beg you not to think too harshly of me. I am a flawed man, I’ve never pretended to be anything more, but I fear what might be said could be past redemption.
Be well, my love.
I love you,
Always. X
Dear Mother
If you are reading this, I am dead.
And I am sorry… no parent should live to watch their child perish. I have a confession to make, one that pains me, and one that will no doubt pain you also.
I am a coward, I am a fool, and I am a terrible, terrible human being.
I am a liar, a cheat, a fraud and a charlatan.
I am a bigamist.
I married two women and a man, and have remained married to all of them for just over twenty years.
I don’t know if you can ever forgive me for my mistakes, you always had such high hopes for me, you always thought I had such great potential, but it turns out that this is it.
I am certain that, following my death, the truth will come to light, and when it does- all of the people I loved in life will hate me. They will curse the name of their dead husband, their fiancé, their one true love- because they were not mine.
I need to say this however- I love them all.
I never lied about that.
My love could not be satisfied by one person alone, I love all of them more than life itself, and I will continue to love them even in death. It pains me that they cannot be with me, by my deathbed, all of them, because I need them here now more than ever.
I want to tell them that I am sorry.
I want to tell them that I wish things could be different.
But I cannot choose who I love, and I would not want to, for they have made me the happiest man alive during my time on this earth. I shall weep for them, and they shall weep for me, until they discover one another, then the weeping shall stop.
I took a holiday to Greece in the year of 1992 with Maddison in attempt to clear my head. In the end, I left one love behind, I took another with me, and I found one whilst I was there. It was that year that I accepted who I was, I accepted it, but I never liked it… I always loathed myself.
Mother, my love is extended to you who cared for me all these years, who guided me in life and saw that I knew the difference between right and wrong. I fear that in light of this new information you may feel you have failed where I am concerned, but do not think that way, you were the best mother I could ask for, you are the one person alone I can trust absolutely, and the one person I know will love me unconditionally throughout this whole sordid affair.
I’m sorry for all of the trouble I have caused, and all the trouble I am yet to cause, you deserved so much more.
Thank you for everything mother.
I love you.
And please, if the worst happens, and my spouses discover one another, would you do me the favour of telling each of them that I truly did love them, and that I am so very, very sorry.
I’m so afraid, I have never felt so utterly alone.
The thought that you will be here soon... with me, when I am close to passing, is a comforting one. Thank you for always being there.
Love Always-
- Your Jack x
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